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Poetry
Original works of poetry, credited to author Bill Watterson are featured in Calvin and Hobbes. They have appeared in both types of syndicated strips, as well as in the original content of the book collections. Oftentimes, they are illustrated. The poems are here featured in chronological order. Unnamed poems are titled after their first known verse. Syndicated poems The Dad Who Lived to Regret Being Mean to His Kid Barney's dad was really bad, So Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said "Eat your peas!" Barney shouted, "No!" and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol' dad, And locked him in the cellar. His mom never found out where he'd gone, 'Cause Barney didn't tell her. There his dad spent his life, Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years He was sorry he'd been cruel. THE END Featured 12/27/87. Christmas Eve On window panes, the icy frost Leaves feathered patterns, crissed and crossed, But in our house, the Christmas tree Is decorated festively With tiny dots of colored light That cozy up this Winter night. Christmas songs, familiar, slow, Play softly on the radio. Pops and hisses from the fire Whistle with the bells and choir. My tiger is now fast asleep On his back and dreaming deep. When the fire makes him hot, He turns to warm whatever's not. Propped against him on the rug, I give my friend a gentle hug. Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for, But I can wait a little more. Calvin's Good Side And who could make my heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair sweet Susie. The UFO While lying on my back to make an angel in the snow, I saw a greenish craft appear! A giant UFO! A strange, unearthly hum it made! It hovered overhead! And aliens were moving 'round in view ports glowing red! I tried to run for cover, but a hook that they had low'r'd Snagged me by my overcoat and hoisted me aboard! Even then, I tried to fight, and though they numbered many, I poked them in their compound eyes and pulled on their antennae! It was no use! They dragged me to a platform, tied me up, And wired to my cranium a fiendish suction cup! They turned it on and current coursed across my cerebellum, Coaxing from my brain tissue the things I wouldn't tell 'em! All the math I ever learned, the numbers and equations, Were mechanic'ly removed in this brain-draining operation! My escape was an adventure. (I won't tell you what I did.) Suffice to say, I cannot add, so ask some other kid. Featured 11/19/89. Eighty Million Years Ago Eighty million years ago, Back in the Late Cretaceous, Lived the great Tyrannosaur, A fearsome and predacious Theropod of monstrous size! He weighed six tons or more! He epitomized the concept of The killer carnivore! His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes With fore and aft serrations! This dental hardware was designed For quick eviscerations! With thrashing bites and awful roars The T-Rex would attack! He was, it's clear, a savage Mesozoic maniac! Imagine, then, the panic caused, The horror and the mayhem, When this monster came to town And ate some folks this AM! It was a sight few will forget! He lunged into the crowd! The multitude became unglued! Their screams were long and loud! People pushed to get away! The elderly and small Were trampled underfoot By the advancing human wall! Little Tim was on an errand With his brother Howard. They dawdled by the candy shop And both boys were devoured. A camera crew from Channel three Arrived in town to give A live report. At this they failed, Because they didn't live. At last the menace ate his fill. The big Tyrannosaur Stomped away to parts unknown Where he had lived before. Tyrannosaurs, though rarely seen, Are certainly still around. And no one knows just where or when The next one will be found. ...Except me. Aliens on a Mission The aliens came From a far distant world In a large yellow ship That blinked as it twirled. It rounded the moon, And entered our sky. We knew they had come But we didn't know why. Bright the next morning, With noisy commotion, The ship slowly moved Out over the ocean. It lowered a tube And drained the whole sea For transport back home To their galaxy. The tube then sucked up The clouds and the air, Causing no small amount Of Earthling despair. With nothing to breathe, We started to die. "Help us! Please stop!" Was the public outcry. A hatch opened up And the aliens said, "We are sorry to learn That you soon will be dead. But though you may find this Slightly macabre, We prefer your extinction To the loss of our job." A Letter from Santa Claus My hands were all shaky, My face had gone pale. A letter from Santa Just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written In old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed And dated twelve-ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because This year I've repealed My 'Naughty/Nice' laws. So now, I urge you: Be vulgar and crude! I like it when children Are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you,' 'You're welcome,' or 'Please.' Talk back to your mother! Don't do as you're told! Stick your tongue out At your dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, Anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The bad girls and boys Will be, from now on, The ones who get toys! Good little kids make me sick, It's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ...And then I awoke. I hate being good (Or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it. My Mom and Dad My mom and my dad are not what they seem. Their dull appearance is part of their scheme. I know of their plans. I know their techniques. My parents are outer space alien freaks! They landed on Earth in spaceships humongous. Posing as grownups, they now walk among us. My parents deny this, but I know the truth. They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth. Early each morning, as the sun rises, Mom and Dad put on their Earthling disguises. I knew right away their masks weren't legit. Their faces are lined -- they sag and don't fit. The Earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow. They say not to run, wherever I go. They live by the clock. They're slaves to routines. They work the year 'round. They're almost machines. They deny that TV and fried food have much worth. They cannot be human. They're not of this Earth. I cannot escape their alien gaze, And they're warping my mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots, this one is a gem. They're bringing me up to turn me into them! Category:Running gags Category:Stubs Category:Syndicated poems